I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
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How do you milk an almond?
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.