I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
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My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children