I swear some people should be banned from cooking
You Might Also Like
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Imma just leave this here…………
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.