I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
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I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal