I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours
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Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Something in my kitchen is beeping quietly 3 times every minute. I can’t find it and it’s driving me crazy. My husband wouldn’t even hear it with his hearing aids in. I’ve never been more jealous of hearing loss.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
CRYING
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
why neck hurt
