I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
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[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Jesus Christ lmao
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy