I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
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Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins