[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
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By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge