I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
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Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.