I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
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I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
it be like that
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
fair
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move