Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re testing me, we failed.

May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans

[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]

The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.

Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.

Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.

They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.

my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse

Wasps: bees, but not helping

I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.

Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.

*at the end of a 3 day weekend*

Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time

The universe: here is a snow delay

Me: no, not like that

It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.

Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.

In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?

[during sex]

Hand me my reading glasses

Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?

Trust my gut? The thing that makes weird gurgling noises immediately when a work meeting goes quiet.

Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.

It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.

Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?

My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history

To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now

I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.

My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.

I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.

i wish i could marry a nap

If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.

Thanks for reading.

Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?

Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.

My Plans:

Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen

I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.