I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
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I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Got him!
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job