I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
You Might Also Like
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.