I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
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[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
This will never not be funny to me.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Somebody call the cops.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell