I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
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i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m too immature for adultery.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
This will never not be funny 😭
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital