I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
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i spent way too long on this
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*