Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to

One time I got so high I couldn’t figure out the pizza ordering app so I ordered a chicken bacon ranch pizza with no chicken no bacon no ranch add tomato sauce add pepperoni add sausage and it was so bad the manager of the place called my personal number

I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet

A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.

When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.

5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?

Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.

Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.

Me: one mcflurry please

Cashier: the machine is down

Me: awe then one for the machine too

My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.

[at ultrasound]

Wife: omg so what is it?

Me: it’s a baby.

Wife: I know that.

Me: then why did you ask?

Wife:

Doctor: yes then why did you ask?

5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”

“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”

Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.

[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?

I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.

I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.

As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.

This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.

I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.

Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.

With less than 1 day to go..

Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?

Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.

I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.

Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail

Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY

Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.

I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.

I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up

1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”

Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁

It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out