“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
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What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?