I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
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I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM