I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
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There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Don’t touch that.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Education is vital
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Poetry is my passion
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no