I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
You Might Also Like
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah