I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
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Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Me irl
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.