I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
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Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
🤣dope
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!