I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
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I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
These aliens are taking forever.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Sounds like a bargain
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that