I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.

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90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.


Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.


If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.


Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.

Me: My socks are off, though.

Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.

Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.

Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*


You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell


Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”

Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.


Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.


To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you


If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.