I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
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I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me