I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.

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[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!


I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.


It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.


At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police


I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.


It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.


It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.