I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
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Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
#MeanwhileInCanada
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
I feel seen.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like