I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
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Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-
Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.