I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
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The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
it was love at first sight
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.