I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
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omg leave her alone
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Sponch
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Its a hippotatomus
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.