I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
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The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.