I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
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“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
what could possibly go wrong?
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.