I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
You Might Also Like
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills