if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
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HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–
*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
8. Which is your least favorite character?
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.