I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
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Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced