@Reverend_Scott Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
@Breadery I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
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@Reverend_Scott 
@squirrel74wkgn I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
@karanbirtinna (Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
@_odlanyeR I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
@chopper4jk My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
@thewritertype Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
@SondraDeeMe My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
@Moi_RaRa Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
@ozzyunc “After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
@LovestruckLayla So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.