I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.

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Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.


I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.


(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.


I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend


My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.


Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.


My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.


Dear axe body spray,

Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.

Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.


“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”


So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.