@Breadery

I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.

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@NickBossRoss

You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.

@DaddyJew

If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae

@GlennHowerton

Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.

@SCBamaMan

I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!

@panmidwest

USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely

@djdarrellripley

Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…

@cellapaz

i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook

@Kyle_Lippert

[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD

@juanadog

She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.

@SkinnieTalls

Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.