@Breadery

I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.

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@Reverend_Scott

Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.

@squirrel74wkgn

I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.

@karanbirtinna

(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.

@_odlanyeR

I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend

@chopper4jk

My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.

@thewritertype

Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.

@SondraDeeMe

My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.

@Moi_RaRa

Dear axe body spray,

Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.

Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.

@ozzyunc

“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”

@LovestruckLayla

So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.