I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
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the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what