I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
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CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Happy Friday
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”