@NotKarma

I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.

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@whatmaddness

Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon

@T_Bonezzz_

[Movie: Romance]

Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!

Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…

Him: K… forget it…

@MadamBetteNoire

Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.

@DurtMcHurtt

The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.

@AdamOfEarth

Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”

Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”

@champagngetaway

Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

@truegritrumble

I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.

@DartsBofficial

“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”