I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
You Might Also Like
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
channeling her this year
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
look at me when i’m typing to you
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”