Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?

Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life

[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to

Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know

Kidnapper: We have your wife.

Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!

rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600

Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.

“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.

Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:

Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.

Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this

All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.

Found out I can’t run the air fryer, toaster, and microwave at the same time, but on the plus side I’m pretty sure I took a screenshot of the kitchen

Me: Go get everyone for dinner please

6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!

Me: I meant go walk and get them

6: But I like using my mommy voice

Me:

6: The screaming

Me: I got it

Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.

[eye doctor’s office]

receptionist: do you have vision insurance

me: yup *hands over card*

receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate

me: but my eyes are in my body

receptionist:

me: and they’re unhealthy

Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die

You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?

This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch

Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”

Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?

Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*

If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”

i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it

I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.

Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.

It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.

Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.

Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda

The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s

I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan

I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it