I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
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Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
All is fair in drunk and war.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement