I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.
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Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
i dont want to consume AI art for the same reason i dont call up my boys every sunday to watch a conveyor belt quickly and efficiently deliver a football to an endzone
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.