I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
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Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”