I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
You Might Also Like
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face