I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
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Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Is this you?
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED