I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.

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My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.

I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.


Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn


I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.


I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.


You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.


My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.


I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.


[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?


“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”