I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
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I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
So many pants.
So little yoga.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Botany good plants lately?
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.