I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
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Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I鈥檓 trying…
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that鈥檚 crazy
“Your r茅sum茅 says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Almost quitting time鈥heers!馃
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 馃檪
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what鈥檚 another way?
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He鈥檚 nowhere to be found.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there