I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
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Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.