I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
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Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
May never get over this
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
me before I type out affect or effect
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
this could fix me
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.