“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
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*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.