@IamEnidColeslaw

I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze

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@idontuseapick

“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.

@Sanbel11

*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*

“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”

@daemonic3

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.

@squirrel74wkgn

Me: What time are we leaving?

Wife: In 3 or 4 hours

Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car

@LlamaInaTux

Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?

Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-

[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER

@sjredmond

Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.

@noog

I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.

@DCpierson

I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.

@MarfSalvador

GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness

Me: Wait. . . wh-what?

GF: I’m pregnant

Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?

@mommajessiec

The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.