I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
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the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground