Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]

“Who are you eating?”

When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted

Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8

Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset

What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?

Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car

Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*

John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real

I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.

My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media

Fat chances are my favorite chances

My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.

my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎

Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.

Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.

Paul Walker *dies driving*

Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no

When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.

They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog

Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.

Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.

MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too

ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—

FAMILY: We have a JET?!

ME: I meant—

FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?

ME:

FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?

ME: Yes, that is definitely the case

When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.

product manager: what color should we make the bottle

guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine

Family Celebrity

If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.

How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?

Your husband’s super cute, is he single?

If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.

Doctor: You have emphysema

Batman: How?

Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations

Batman:

Doctor:

Batman: *throws smoke bomb*

Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.

P.S. Bring a spider.