“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
You Might Also Like
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.