I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
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Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Chicago sounds lovely.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.