I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
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Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi