I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
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*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I love twitter
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show