I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
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What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash