I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
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I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
*kneels to pray*
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.